I was writing Happy Birthday on my cousin Will's facebook page yesterday and it reminded me of what today would be. Sheryl-Anne's 31st birthday if she had lived.
History:
July 25,1980 James Kermit Chipley died (my paternal grandfather-Papaw Chipley)
July 26, 1980 Will Martin was born (my cousin Jane's son)
July 27, 1980 Sheryl-Anne was born and Papaw Chipley's funeral was held.
I remember being so upset that Papaw had died and I couldn't even go to the visitation. Uncle Pat had flown into Demopolis (don't remember why but he did) and he told me on that Saturday that I couldn't make the trip because if I went into labor then I'd just be stuck up there having my baby and not with my doctors in Meridian. So at about 6:00 on Sunday morning I woke up in a wet bed. My water had broken. Herb took me to the hospital and Sheryl-Anne was born at 9:17. My family came by the hospital to see Sheryl-Anne on the way to the funeral.
I have a lot of things that I remember about the 4 short months that she lived but then there a lot of things that are a blur.
I remember Herb's family coming down when she was 2 weeks old and picking up Norma Jean. I had gotten up and cleaned up the house so it would be presentable and because I did all this working, stressing and not resting my breast milk dried up. I was so upset. I should have not even wasted my time on trying to impress them because I was never going to measure up to their high standards. I look back at a lot of what I went through over the years and all of it was in vain because I could never measure up satisfactorily for anyone in that family period. I should have had enough gumption to tell some people to JUMP!!!! But I didn't and I can't go back and change that but I can make sure that history doesn't keep repeating itself.
But when Herb's family didn't bring Norma back (as they always did- come get her promising to bring her back and then not doing so). Then I was forced to drive to North Carolina with my friend Pig Chaney to go and get her and bring her back home in time for school to start. I had to leave Sheryl-Anne at home for the trip.
I remember her having the prettiest eyes. Grace's eyes remind me of hers when she was a little baby.
I remember her being part of our one and only family portrait. I could never have another one done after she died because my family never seemed to be all there. So bless Cherish and J.J.'s heart.... they've never been in a family portrait.
I remember her being sick and me taking her to the doctor. She had gotten better before she died.
I remember the night before she died. She had woken up for another bottle at about 11:00. I held her in my arms on the couch in the living room and I just sat there talking to her and telling her how much I loved her. I never knew that would be the last time I got to tell her that.
So much is a blur from that horrible morning afterwards.
I remember the ride to the hospital.
I remember them telling us that they did all that they could do.
I remember Dr. Ballenger telling us that if we had an autopsy then we would have to pay for it. But I wanted it anyway because I had to know what happened to my beautiful daughter. She seemed so perfect in every way. As it was, the national SIDS foundation paid for the autopsy. At that time, I don't know about now, but any infant under the age of 1 that died unexpectedly, the SIDS foundation paid for their autopsies. Hers came back as probable SIDS.
I remember Sarah Williams taking Herb to get him a pair of shoes for the funeral. Thanks Sarah.
I remember that the sweater outfit came from a shop in Livingston that Sandra Cross and her mother owned. It seems like I went there to pick it out but maybe that's just not accurate.
I remember the beautiful casket spray that my Uncle Lailon made for the funeral. Pink baby roses. I can't remember how many but it was covered in them.
I remember going to the funeral home and a dear friend trying to tell me to get this cheaper casket because the funeral home was just trying to be crooks and get me to spend more money. Well I got what I wanted and I never have felt like her body was wet. I would have always worried if I hadn't since those cheaper setups weren't guaranteed like this one was. But all this made me become distanced from that friend. I've never felt close to her again and I probably won't ever. It wasn't her child and she had not idea what I was going through.
I remember that there were so many people at our homes that I couldn't breathe. I remember Leigh came down sick and family took her to the ER and then the staff there was wondering where her mother was. I couldn't even function. I remember a doctor coming to the house and giving me some kind of medication because I started shaking and I just couldn't stop. I'm sure that I was in shock but I just didn't know it.
I remember seeing Mem and Carolyn Webb at mama's house and them bringing a ham. I remember Anne Armstrong coming to Mama's house and telling me that God loved Sheryl-Anne so much more than we ever could that he took her home to be with him. That's the only thing that kept me sane. Some people would say to me.... oh you're still young and you can have other children. What a dumb bunch of people... They meant well but there could never be a replacement for any child. Each and every one is different and special in their own way.
I remember bits and pieces of the funeral. Of falling apart on the way out of the church. My baby was really going to be gone to me. Even though she was dead, I had not felt completely lost from her because her body was there. But this would be final as soon as she was buried. I know that doesn't make sense to some people but it's exactly how I felt.
After the funeral, Herb's sister Pat wanted to take some of the flowers off her grave. WHY????? She never even wanted us to have her. I would never want her to have anything of mine and not especially something off my daughters grave. We went home afterwards and laid down to take a nap. All of a sudden my jewelry box just started playing music. It was the weirdest feeling that I've ever felt. It was just like her spirit was finally gone. Then about an hour later, I was called to the phone and when I answered it someone said, "mama it's Sheryl-Anne" and they hung up. I always knew in the back of my mind who it was playing some sick twisted trick on me.
So many things that I said are a blur.... Because I remember being at mama's house about a year later and looking out the window towards my house and it was like having a flash back. I could remember seeing the hearse leaving my house to go to the church.
Over the years, I 've remembered more but that's all I can write now.
It's always a bittersweet time on July 27th. I do grieve for the daughter that I never got to see grow up. I'll always wonder what she would look like now. I'm sure that she would be just as beautiful as Leigh and Cherish because they favor each other so much now. And of course don't leave out the hard-headedness too.
I don't know if I can even go to her grave today. I've been putting off going lately because it's really been bothering me. But I do need to go and spend some time working down there and cleaning it up.
So today I will celebrate Sheryl-Anne's birthday and I know that one day I'll be able to celebrate with her in Heaven.
Happy Birthday sweet Angel!!!
